Helping Adolescents Navigate Friendships
We watch them on the playground when they are toddlers beaming at their first interactions with friends. As they play side by side we are delighted for them and amused by the simple things. Then they enter school and one of our first questions at teacher conferences is usually centered on whether they are getting along with others. Are they a natural leader? Are they bullied? Are they socially “ok”.
As they develop and enter adolescence everything changes. As expected, their peers take center stage. The development of their identity is also front and center. It’s expected, but can be admittedly challenging for us as parents. We are no longer watching every move, We are no longer told about every moment. It can be our biggest accomplishment to stay connected but yet allow the space that they need to grow. So how do we arm them and guide them with tools to have solid friendships? How do we trust ourselves? Did we make an impact on them with all of those “teachable moments”? It is important to have positive friendships because it is linked to less depression, a higher functioning immune system, longer life expectancy, more empathy and trust for others and stronger emotional regulation skills. Here are a few words of advice on helping your preteen/teen foster strong friendships.
First of all, we need to keep communicating. Ask questions. Encourage them to make good choices. Friends are not those who give them attention but rather those that make them have joyful moments, who they uncontrollably giggle with, who they learn from. If it is really difficult with drama, triangles, bickering and with people getting hurt, it is likely not the right friendship. However, we have to allow for some conflict as it can be beneficial to learn from these interactions. That’s where it gets a bit tricky. Like anything, when it starts to feel too heavy, someone is truly bullied or unhappy most of the time, it can be more harmful than helpful.
Second, point your adolescents in the direction of group activities if you can. If there is reasonable interest, encourage them to play a sport. They can find others who have similar interests. They can be part of a team which can be golden for the development of positive self-esteem. If not sports, try the arts. Sign them up for a theatre group or an art camp. Follow their lead. Be mindful of those who prefer a smaller group with only two or three friends. Respect who they are. If I have learned one thing from raising our four children, it is that you cannot force them to be interested, ready for the next step or to succeed in something if they are not present and truly ready (potty training, sports, riding a bike,swimming etc.) We need to respect that but encourage exploration in a gentle way.
Third, give them space. I need my space. You need your space. They need their space to cultivate good, healthy friendships. Avoid getting too involved in the arguments. Do not call the other kid’s parents unless there is safety concern. Give them time. Time to plan things on their own, Time to chat on the phone or face time. It is healthy for kids to need their peers at this age (especially during the current crisis). It doesn’t mean that family gets to be displaced, but practice finding the balance. It is natural for them to push the limits with screen time and time with peers. Have your own boundaries as a parent and remember that when we are saying no and we get that uncomfortable feeling in our gut, it’s a sign that we are doing something meaningful.
As far as actual conflicts that may arise within your teen’s peer group here are some tools:
Remind them to….
take a break: not all conflicts need to be “fixed” right away. Allow time for both sides to cool down so that they can think clearly. Our brains cannot access certain parts of itself when we are in a state of heightened emotion (anger, sadness, jealousy, rage).
listening: listen to their friends and what the problem really is. are they struggling at home? Are they feeling rejected? Did they intentionally do something to make the other hurt/ angry or it was an accidental?
“I” statement’s vs accusatory: encourage them to use “I” statements like “I’m feeling left out when you….”, “I am upset when I’m left out.” Help them to be direct and honest even if that is difficult and uncomfortable. It is always more helpful then fighting anger with anger which might just fuel the fire. Adolescents are impulsive by nature so calm the fire.
jealousy: in the world with social media this is a crucial experience for some. Jealousy is insecurity and fear. so…share your own stories openly with your adolescent. Focus on their behavior - “conduct yourself with kindness regardless of your feelings”. Focus on your child’s positives and bring those things to their attention. Humor can help - name the jealous feeling….make it something that is a feeling but not who they are.
when friendships end, despite your child’s best efforts, help them to accept it and grieve the loss. Grief is painful but they will grow from it. Be supportive, nonjudgemental and listen. Give them the space that they need. Ask open ended questions and validate how they feel….”So that made you feel left out, huh?”
Final words of advice:
Teach them to be kind.
Give them space.
Don’t get too involved ex: calling the friend/parents
Remember that your job is to teach them and guide them, not to save them at every turn. This is just one challenge of many in childhood and they need to gain confidence while they navigate some of it on their own.